Inner peace

Upon entering the church, all existing guards went down. I felt so fragile. On the threshold of tears. The church was laid out like Gesu back in Detroit, but on a much simpler level. A few flourescent lights strategically placed in the ceiling and on the sanctuary walls, which incidentally, were covered with an earthtone mural of Christ. When I found my space in a pew about half way up, stage left center section, the church was sparsely populated. I took advantage of that fact to soak in the scene and quickly was feeling connected. It’s funny how primordial values play on the heart and soul. Despite my distance from the church and my openness to other faiths and practices, the intensity of spirituality that I feel in a Catholic church has no equal.

At the moment the music began, the tears began to form. Feeling the levy breaking, I could not contain my emotion. Being the only white in a sea of black Catholics was one emotion. The faith and hope from and for so many, in a country--to this outside observer at least--that feels inundated with pain and challenges, was another emotion. Hearing the strength and tight nature of the choir eloquently sing a classical piece in French--powerful. Then ten eucharistic ministers, all pious looking men in white robes, followed by an equal number of alter servers. Their presence alone was testament to their free will of faith. Hearing prayers and readings in heavily accented French, and then some of them read again in Wolof. I don’t know, but the universality of faith, with all its breadth, and yet with all its depth which can only be defined by INDIVIDUAL faith; it’s remarkable. Then the choir singing in Latin, followed by spirited hymns in Wolof or Serrer with drum and flute accompaniment. After communion, watching the whole congregation turn their bodies and eyes toward the chalice as it was being moved from the altar back to the tabernacle. Finally, the crowd after mass, gathering at the side altar near a statue of Mary and the tabernacle, each silently submitting his/her prayer of petition. I mentioned Gesu at the onset, not only because of its physical beauty but also because of its spiritual power, emanating from the music of those voices. There is so much in lyricism, prose or poetry; when put to music, it becomes the window to the soul.

Life is so full of experiences--comfortable or not, yet some we choose not to process. We can be robots when we train ourselves, yet in the end, there will always seem to be some primordial tug that gets to our heart. I can’t help tearing up right now remembering my dad tearing up every once and awhile while watching something on t.v. Behind his fortress of a temper, he was so full of kindness and sensibility. That better side within me calls out so often, yet refining it so that I live it with inner peace is the elusive ingredient. I can be nice to friends, I can fight for justice through advocacy, I can give money; and I may be making someone’s life a little better, but am I bringing about peace--within me or among others. I guess that’s what spirituality helps me discern. How I can fight for all that is good with genuine kindness and without revenge. Gosh, to be known as an anchor of peace, that would be life’s accomplishment.

And, the beauty I see in the eyes of a husband and wife as they dance and embrace. The joy of a parent reveling in the presence and growth of their child. The innonence of children in general, really, seeing the core of another and not getting hung up on any of our adult prejudices. Sharing the passion for life. Opposites may attract, but a soulmate is what I’ll need. I guess this is a bit of an enlightenment. It’s not just the intellect, the cultural openness, the spontaneity, the physical beauty, the physical health and wellness; it’s having something tug at your soul and being comfortable with its power and expression. After all, why else are we here if not to be kind in our heart and in our actions. That inner peace truly can be our guiding light. Without the lighthouse that I see when I look out the window, the sailor would not know where the sea stops and the land begins. Perhaps force of will and luck will lead to a safe landing, but not without a troubled heart or mind. I need that inner peace. I may find it in spirtuality and church. I may find it and cultivate it in a soulmate. If the two came together, life would be even closer to perfect than I’ve previously thought. Inshallah kheyr.